Of Horses and Hell

November 14, 2004

Amongst Friends

There was a dentist, an electrician, a salesperson, and a carpenter that met everyday for breakfast at a low income diner. They were all married except the salesman. When he was married, he went on his honeymoon with his wife. The other three still met for breakfast when he was gone. An idea came up to play some practical jokes on the new married person.

“I’ll make his bed slant so his bed will collapse when he is making love,” said the carpenter.

“I’ll hot wire his mattress so that he’ll feel immence heat while making love.’
“Those are good ideas,” said the dentist. “But I am not going to tell you what I’m going to do.’

The next day the salesman comes into the diner. He says “I congratulate you guys for making my bed collapse, and I thank you for making my bed really hot, but I’m going to kill the bastard who put Novocaine in the Vaseline.”

Biologisvensk • 11.14.2004 • 08:37 AM (What the Hell?!)
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Add it Up: Relationship Guide

For all you guys out there who just can’t figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system…

Simple Duties:

You make the bed..+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1
You leave the toilet seat up..-5
You leave the toilet lid down..-10 after the lights are out..-30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty..0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
But return with beer ..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing..0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something..+5
You pummel it with a six iron..+10
It’s her father..-10

Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..-2
Named Tiffany..-4
Tiffany is a dancer..-6
Tiffany has implants..-8

Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner..0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..-2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night..-3
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..-10

A Night Out With The Boys:

Go out with a pal ..-5
And the pal is happily married ..-4
Or frighteningly single ..-7
And he drives a Mustang..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..-15

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie..+2
You take her to a movie she likes..+4
You take her to a movie you hate..+6
You take her to a movie you like..-2
It’s called DeathCop 3..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15

Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..-30
You say “I don’t give a damn because you have one too”...-800

The Big Question:

She asks, “Do I look fat?” ..-5
You hesitate in responding..-10
You reply, “Where?”..-35

Communication:

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ..0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+10
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep..-20

Close it Up

Biologisvensk • 11.14.2004 • 08:35 AM (What the Hell?!)
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November 13, 2004

Some Tough Stuff

Robert was born on the 16th of June, 1990 in the back of an ambulance en route to hospital. He was my baby brother, then youngest of four, with I being the eldest. Not to mention he was the only boy. Words can’t express my Father’s joy for finally getting the boy that he had desired.

Unfortunately, upon a check-up at the doctor’s office, the doctor noticed something wrong with his heart. Upon further investigation, they discovered that he had hypoplastic left heart syndrome . When he was 10 days old, my brother was having his first open heart surgery.

This of course set off a series of events that impacted not only my life, but the lives of everyone in my family. My parents were with him all the time at hospital where he was flown to for the procedure. My sisters and I were uprooted from our home, and moved to live with my gran so that she could watch us while my parents were with Robert.

The doctors, who gave Robert only a minimal chance of survival, were amazed at how well he was doing. I remember so many details, yet they are all a blur. I was of course 12 at the time. I remember living in a small room with my sisters and Robert. I remember my parents struggling to pay the extensive surgical fees. I remember them being gone for so long, while I had to grow up fast, helping my gran shoulder the responsibility of my sisters.

Robert was a fighter. He had several other procedures performed over the span of his short life, but he didn’t let it get him down. Even when he was home on oxygen, he would run around with as much energy and joy that he could muster. When his favourite song would come on, he would have to get up, don sunglasses, and pick up his little electric guitar to “play” along. These are the things I remember.

I remember before Robert was going to have his final heart surgery, he had woken up from a nap. He told my mother “Mommy, going to climb the tree, walk on clouds, go see Jesus.” If you ever wanted a perfect picture of child-like faith, Robert had it in spades.

After his final heart surgery, Robert was having a lot of trouble recovering. I didn’t know how serious it was, I was having hard enough time dealing with my life to worry a lot about it. I remember someone paying to fly me and my sisters down to see him with my gran. When I saw him he was on a ventilator, and comatose; I didn’t even recognize him. He was pumped so full of fluids, that my normally tiny three-year-old brother, looked like a yellowing eight-ten year-old.

He of course couldn’t hear me, but I went up and talked to him. We flew home that same day. That night my gran got a phone call that I will never forget. My parents had called to tell her that they were going to take him off of life support the following morning. I remember sobbing with my sisters, begging it not to be so. The next day, Mother’s Day, Robert went ahead of us to be with Jesus and the family that had gone before. I remember that the doctor gave my mother red roses with a card telling her “Happy Mother’s Day, Love Robert”.

People might say, “If God is so loving, and merciful, how can he let a child go through this?” If they were at his funeral they wouldn’t be asking that. I had never seen so many people in my life; the church was packed to where they had to have an overflow section. All this, at the funeral of a child who was almost four years old.

I am not writing this for sympathy or condolences. In no way do I want to hear “ I am sorry for your loss”. I miss him terribly, but I have understanding. For everything there is a season, a time to live and a time to die. Robert had run his race, and was pressing on to receive his prize. I write this so that his memory will live on, that his death will never be in vain, that he will still touch lives.

In a cemetery lies the remains of a precious, always vivacious child, who went and took life and ran with it. On his tombstone reads the words “No more pokes”.

Close it Up

Biologisvensk • 11.13.2004 • 05:05 PM (Bare Naked Bio)
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November 12, 2004

A Plea

Wanted

I am seeking justice.

Any information on the following will help immensely.

I am missing the partners to several socks, and even more of them are being mysteriously damaged.

They are all accounted for when I go and place them in for washing, but when I go to retrieve them from the dryer, someone is removing them.

I don’t know who you are, but as I sit here typing this, with one foot wearing a blue sock and the other being striped, I realize that maybe you just like my taste in socks.

If you are paying me a compliment, I really do appreciate it, but PLEASE give me my socks back. I am a poor college student with hardly any monies. I cannot continue to keep purchasing socks in order to contribute to your growing stash.

Please consider this plea. I don’t need to know who you are, just return the socks. Thanks!

-A Mismatched Sock Wearer

Biologisvensk • 11.12.2004 • 08:34 AM (Life's a Bitch) (What the Hell?!)
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November 11, 2004

Crickets Gone Wild

I love my cute little amphibians, but I am not too fond of feeding them crickets (for the frogs) and black worms (for the newt). However, being the responsible, loving owner I am, I do it regardless of how I feel. I found this nifty little cricket container to put the crickets in, to where I don’t have to touch them. It does work wonders.

I was getting little crickets for my frogs, but since they were pigging out on them, I decided to try larger ones to see if it would limit how often I would have to go to the pet store during the week. It seemed to work, at least I thought so. I, of course, was wrong.

Biologisvensk • 11.11.2004 • 08:33 AM (Animal Farm) (Life's a Bitch)
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Pictures of the Day

I was surfing the net, and I came across these pictures. Hope you get a good laugh out of them!

Biologisvensk • 11.11.2004 • 08:31 AM (Bite Me)
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November 10, 2004

Things to Do While Taking an Exam

Ever had one of those days where it just hurt to think? Welcome to my day. Two exams, and more on the way. I swear, they are a never-ending plague. I think tonight calls for a nice, long, candle-lit bubble bath. Tomorrow I get to sleep in (Thank God!), as it is a holiday.

In honour of my fresh streak of exams, I thought I would post this list. My only regret is that I hadn’t found it sooner...some of these items would have been useful, mainly numbers 3, 7, 16(duh me, Swedish rings a bell..),29, and 35.

So, without further stalling, here it is…

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m so sure you can hear me thinking. “ Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand any of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who are you? Where’s the regular guy?”

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas. “If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Forget this!” and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say “you don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!”

32. Bring a water pistol with you.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. “

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say “it helps me think. “ Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase “Told you so”.

50. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"

Close it Up

Biologisvensk • 11.10.2004 • 08:25 AM (Edjumacation) (What the Hell?!)
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