Of Horses and Hell

What the Hell?!

November 17, 2004

Boobs

On the rare occasion that I would grace my 8:30 A.M. lecture with my appearance (rare meaning only on exam days…), the same student would catch my eye every time.

She was in her late 20’s, always rushing in at the last minute, and I coined a name for her…”Boobs”

Biologisvensk • 11.17.2004 • 08:43 AM (Edjumacation) (What the Hell?!)
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November 16, 2004

My Hero

People can be rather rude and inconsiderate at times.

I am sitting in a lecture, along with about 30 others. We keep our door open because it gets rather hot in the room when it is shut. Yesterday, while the professor was lecturing, a couple girls were standing directly outside our door talking loudly. So loud that they were competing with the professor’s lecture…

Biologisvensk • 11.16.2004 • 08:42 AM (Edjumacation) (What the Hell?!)
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November 14, 2004

Amongst Friends

There was a dentist, an electrician, a salesperson, and a carpenter that met everyday for breakfast at a low income diner. They were all married except the salesman. When he was married, he went on his honeymoon with his wife. The other three still met for breakfast when he was gone. An idea came up to play some practical jokes on the new married person.

“I’ll make his bed slant so his bed will collapse when he is making love,” said the carpenter.

“I’ll hot wire his mattress so that he’ll feel immence heat while making love.’
“Those are good ideas,” said the dentist. “But I am not going to tell you what I’m going to do.’

The next day the salesman comes into the diner. He says “I congratulate you guys for making my bed collapse, and I thank you for making my bed really hot, but I’m going to kill the bastard who put Novocaine in the Vaseline.”

Biologisvensk • 11.14.2004 • 08:37 AM (What the Hell?!)
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Add it Up: Relationship Guide

For all you guys out there who just can’t figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system…

Simple Duties:

You make the bed..+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1
You leave the toilet seat up..-5
You leave the toilet lid down..-10 after the lights are out..-30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty..0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
But return with beer ..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing..0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something..+5
You pummel it with a six iron..+10
It’s her father..-10

Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..-2
Named Tiffany..-4
Tiffany is a dancer..-6
Tiffany has implants..-8

Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner..0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..-2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night..-3
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..-10

A Night Out With The Boys:

Go out with a pal ..-5
And the pal is happily married ..-4
Or frighteningly single ..-7
And he drives a Mustang..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..-15

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie..+2
You take her to a movie she likes..+4
You take her to a movie you hate..+6
You take her to a movie you like..-2
It’s called DeathCop 3..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15

Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..-30
You say “I don’t give a damn because you have one too”...-800

The Big Question:

She asks, “Do I look fat?” ..-5
You hesitate in responding..-10
You reply, “Where?”..-35

Communication:

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ..0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+10
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep..-20

Close it Up

Biologisvensk • 11.14.2004 • 08:35 AM (What the Hell?!)
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November 12, 2004

A Plea

Wanted

I am seeking justice.

Any information on the following will help immensely.

I am missing the partners to several socks, and even more of them are being mysteriously damaged.

They are all accounted for when I go and place them in for washing, but when I go to retrieve them from the dryer, someone is removing them.

I don’t know who you are, but as I sit here typing this, with one foot wearing a blue sock and the other being striped, I realize that maybe you just like my taste in socks.

If you are paying me a compliment, I really do appreciate it, but PLEASE give me my socks back. I am a poor college student with hardly any monies. I cannot continue to keep purchasing socks in order to contribute to your growing stash.

Please consider this plea. I don’t need to know who you are, just return the socks. Thanks!

-A Mismatched Sock Wearer

Biologisvensk • 11.12.2004 • 08:34 AM (Life's a Bitch) (What the Hell?!)
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November 10, 2004

Things to Do While Taking an Exam

Ever had one of those days where it just hurt to think? Welcome to my day. Two exams, and more on the way. I swear, they are a never-ending plague. I think tonight calls for a nice, long, candle-lit bubble bath. Tomorrow I get to sleep in (Thank God!), as it is a holiday.

In honour of my fresh streak of exams, I thought I would post this list. My only regret is that I hadn’t found it sooner...some of these items would have been useful, mainly numbers 3, 7, 16(duh me, Swedish rings a bell..),29, and 35.

So, without further stalling, here it is…

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m so sure you can hear me thinking. “ Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand any of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who are you? Where’s the regular guy?”

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas. “If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Forget this!” and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say “you don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!”

32. Bring a water pistol with you.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. “

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say “it helps me think. “ Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase “Told you so”.

50. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"

Close it Up

Biologisvensk • 11.10.2004 • 08:25 AM (Edjumacation) (What the Hell?!)
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November 08, 2004

The Arena Class from Hell

When I was working as a riding instructor/trainer at a youth summer equestrian camp, I must admit that I had many memorable experiences. Some were good, and some were bad. There were a handful of us in charge of about 60 horses, and in the lessons of all of the students who would come to spend a week at camp. We were on a rotation for what classes we taught during the week, whether it be relay, arena, vaulting (gymnastics on horse-back basically), or grooming. I noticed a pattern in the rotation; I not only got the largest arena classes, in which basic equitation was taught, but I also got the least experienced classes.

One particular week, it was not only my turn to teach the arena class, but we had a church group come and rent out the facilities for the week. This meant that the usual camp counselors would be on holiday, and that I would have to deal with the counselors of this church group instead. The consequences of having counselors other than the ones I have worked with the entire summer, is that I didn’t have as much say in what they do or don’t do. They don’t know how I work, and as much as I hated to do so, I had to lay down some serious ground rules for being around my class. If they weren’t careful, we’d have serious injuries, and that is the last thing I wanted.

The time comes for me to begin teaching the group for the week. Of course I give a demonstration on basic horse control, so that we might have a chance to limit any “disturbances” during the class. I take a look at the number of students that I will have circling me in the area on bareback pads (we didn’t use saddles)…..14...CRAP! Normally the class is 11-12 students large, with me having an assistant.

Ok, now I need to see who has had any previous riding experience. “If any of you has ridden before, can you please raise your hand?” …No one raised their hand…..OOOOOK…CRAP! Who am I going to put on Chex?

I think this would be the perfect time to introduce Chex. In the horse herd, you have what is often termed the “pecking order”. Basically, this is in reference to a head horse, and the social status of the horses gradually moving down from there. In the case of my arena class, Chex was the mare you didn’t want to cross. Remember those mean nasty popular girls in high school? That was Chex. In the arena class, I would see who has had any riding experience, and then I would put that person on Chex, and if the class was inexperienced, I would just leave Chex out of that particular class. However, since I had such a large class, I had to use her.

Anyways, back to the class. I go and match the students to various horses until I run into Brittney. Brittney was a girl of about 9 years in age. She was slightly plump and crying at the moment.

Her counselor says “Brittney is a little scared of the horses.”

Me: “Brittney, do you want to ride in the class or not? I need you to make a decision now hun, because I have to get this class started. Just know that if you choose to ride, the moment you get onto the horse, you cannot get off until the class is over.”

Now I am going to stop here for a moment, as I know some might be saying: “That is rather harsh.” If there was a problem, the safety of my students does take precedence, but I needed to let her know about the decision she was making.

Brittney did decide to ride in the class, and so we made it to the arena and it began. Of course, her counselors were watching her like a hawk from the arena’s bleachers.

The class began smoothly, with myself teaching the students basic horse control. I had another instructor helping me keep an eye on the students since the class was so large. Slowly we made it to trotting…..and that was when it began….

I was focused on helping a student trot along the side of the arena, when I heard “Stop, Stop! STOP! NOOOOO! AAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!” followed by students screaming and crying.

Immediately I thought “Chex!” I turned around and I was right. It turned out that Chex’s rider had lost control of her when she decided to run and bite another horse. Chex of course was back to acting innocent as if nothing had happened, not to mention I had a child crying his eyes out on his horse, and the look of shock on the face of Chex’s rider.

I proceeded to move Chex to the OPPOSITE side of the arena between two horses I knew she would never attack, and asked both students if they were ok…

Me: (to Chex’s rider) Are you OK? Do you want to keep riding her?

Chex’s Rider: *while sniffling* Uuuh huuuh.

Me: OK, Now I really need you to control her as best as you can, and we will keep an eye on you. Is that OK?

Chex’s Rider: *while sniffling* Uuuh huuuh.

So I let those two be, and I had to go do damage control with the other rider.

Me: You were very brave, are you doing OK?

Student: Uh huh *while sobbing her eyes out*

Me: OK. Do you think you can continue with the class, or do you want to call it a day?

Student: I want to stay *while sobbing her eyes out*

Me: If you are going to stay, I need you to try to remain as calm as possible, we don’t want to make your horse sad, now do we?

Student: *sniffling* Nuh Uh.

So I go to continue the class again. I had two upset riders, and God only knows what the other kids are thinking. I tell my assistant to watch Chex like a hawk, as I didn’t trust her, and I continued on with the next student en queue to trot. So we’re trotting when I hear…

“Stop, Stop! STOP! NOOOOO! AAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!” followed by students screaming and crying…AGAIN!

I whip around to find that Chex had found her next bite of the day. Instead of having two upset students, I now have three. Well, I SHOULD have just had three. It turns out that more students are upset because they think this psycho insane mare is going to go after them… and I still had a class to finish.

How do you eliminate the fears of students, complete the class, and go home remotely happy? I went and pulled Chex and her rider into the centre of the arena. I had my assistant hold the mare while the student dismounted and went to the counselors sitting in the bleachers.

Ahhh. I can relax now, the problem as been eliminated, and the students are calming down…..

WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! I WANT TO GET OFF!!! I DON’T WANT TO RIDE ANY MORE!!!!!

…WHAT THE…..

Brittney…I knew I spoke too soon.

Brittney, who was by no means in harm’s way, was letting her horse do whatever she wanted to do while balling her eyes out. This in turn caused other kids to ball their eyes out, not to mention it was potential for another incident. I knew I had to do something…

Me: Hey Brittney, what’s the matter?

Brittney: I don’t want to ride any more, I’m scared.

Me: Awwww you’re fine, we took care of that horse, there is nothing for you to worry about. And remember your agreement with me? You said that you would stay on the horse for the whole class. Can you do that?

Brittney: *sobbing* OOO….OOOK I-I I think I can do that.

Me: Good, now I believe it is your turn to trot, can you try it for me?

Brittney: *sobbing* OOO….OOOK

So I think I finally have things calmed down, aside from half the class balling their eyes out. Brittney, while sobbing begins to trot….

Brittney:” WAAAAAAAH!!! WAAAAAAAAH!!!! I WANT OFF THIS HORSE WAAAAAAAAH!!!!”

Grrrrrr…..this kid……

“TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART BRITTNEY!!!”

…WHAT IN THE WORLD…?!!!!

It seems that her counselors felt the need to interject, which of course only made her cry louder. This banter continued on for the rest of the class until…

5 seconds…4….3….2…..1….THANK GOD, THIS CLASS IS OVER!!!!

I brought back one dismounted rider, 7 sobbing kids, one screaming Brittney, a couple counselors still saying “Trust in the Lord with all your heart Brittney!!!”, a mare with her ears pinned back ready to bite anything that moves, 5 rather confused children, and the desire to shoot myself.

Close it Up

Biologisvensk • 11.08.2004 • 08:20 AM (Barn Brat) (Life's a Bitch) (What the Hell?!)
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