Last week I received a phone call from B at my church asking me to step down from my position on the worship team due to “heart issues”. The issues were unspecified, but this was just one more thing on a list of politics pertaining to the church. Things have been political since it really took off last summer, and I have made the decision to leave it. It is hard, and it is painful. I love the people there, but where my faith is concerned, I need to be in a place where people worship God and not themselves. My life has been a constant struggle, filled with heartache. However, my faith has been what has kept me strong through the death of my brother, the divorce of my parents, and the aftermath of the situation. I am trying to press on, trying to stay focused, trying to get through this summer. It is difficult, and I won’t lie to you, I am struggling. I try to keep things upbeat on this site, but I can’t do that and not be who I am. What does the future hold for me? I don’t know…but I find security in the promises from God’s word:

2 Cor 4:7-18
“7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

13 It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, 14 because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. 15 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

I did what I had to do, and I placed my love for music and the stage on the back burner. Since then it has been waking up, going to classes, coming home, hitting the books, and then crashing in bed. Certainly, I sing some at church, but understand when I say it isn’t the same. And, due to the constant demand of my schedule, I haven’t had time to sit and reflect on my decision. That is, until it was staring me in the face.

I was given orchestra seats to the concert being held by the Las Vegas Philharmonic this past weekend. I didn’t know what pieces were going to be performed, but as I am broke, and the tickets were free, I jumped at the chance.

I walked into the concert hall, and took my seat three rows from the stage. I looked at my concert bill, and I saw that they would be performing some Bernstein, Stravinsky, and finally, Carmina Burana by Carl Orff.

As the lights dimmed, and the music began, I closed my eyes and let it all envelop me. It was beautiful! I was in constant bliss through the Bernstein and Stravinsky. I had missed the sound of a full orchestra for so long. It wasn’t until the chorale and soloists took the stage for Carmina Burana, that the feelings of regret and sorrow began to overwhelm me. All the memories of what I did in my past life began to flood my mind, and I began to yearn to be up there on stage, as I once was before.

Five days have passed since then, and I am still longing to be where I once was. I don’t know what I can do, as my life is going full speed ahead with no solution in sight for the time being. I suppose it is just me and my voice books for now until something else presents itself. I guess I am just waiting for the angel of music to visit me once more.